I can't explain how i feel.

I can't put what i feel for him into words. I can attempt to do so. It'll be a shitty attempt though. I don't know how you did it cause it has never been done to me before but without saying even two words to me you made me fall in love with you. I think it has to do with you looking me in the eyes whenever you ask me something or tell me something. I see an attraction or some kind of interest in those big eyes of yours that i know I'm not making up. I couldn't make that up. My mind isn't so advanced or even smart enough to where it would allow me to make the looks you give me up in order to make myself feel however the hell it is you make me feel when you look at me. Did that make any sense at all? See what i mean. I cant get what I'm trying to say out in words that make even the littlest bit of sense. What I'm trying to say is that i know i see some sort of feelings for me in your eyes. No one looks at another person like that when they just wanna be friends. Underneath the surface whether your with her or not i know you have to like me back just a little. You cant hide what your eyes say to me everyday dude. I wonder what it is you see i her? I wonder what you think right as she walks towards you everyday in the hallway? I wonder if for some reason and i don't know how in the fuck you wouldn't be able to tell by the way i act around you if you see that your relationship to her is driving me crazy. I don't get why you are sending me mixed signals. It is one thing to flirt and fuck around cause were both bored with ourselves in class but i don't think that's all that's going on here. I saw your face when i told you how i felt. Nothing came out of your mouth but your expression said everything. I don't know what hurt more... the fact that you didn't say anything back or the reason you didn't say anything back? I understand that since Monday of that week you and her had already been a thing but didn't you find it the least bit important to inform someone you call a "friend" that you had gotten yourself a girlfriend. I'm not jealous and i mean that. Not in the least. I don't even know her so how can i hate her. However i am pissed at you though. In my book not telling somebody something to spare their feelings is the same thing as lying and i fucking hate liars. But i cant hate you. I don't even come close. You cause me so much pain every day of the fucking week just by showing up to school. Its hard to sit in a room for an hour with something you want really bad but cant have. I wonder if it would have been different if i had told you the first time i wanted to. Man i came so close. When you walked in the room i swore i was gonna pull you aside and the fucking words were dancing on my tongue and then they fell and slid back down into my throat and down some more into my stomach and i chickened out and vomited in the bathroom for like twenty minutes instead. So much for my heart felt confession. How pathetic i must have seemed as i poured out my soul to you in a torrent of words and all the while you were thinking now i have to find a way to tell this one about the other one. I wish i could bring my words back. I wish i could invade your mind for a day and see what you see and understand the way you act. I would give anything to get you to talk about it without making things get awkward for either of us. There is no way to do so. I cant figure it out. How can i be so mad at myself for spilling the beans and then be even more mad at myself for feeling like i didn't say nearly enough. Physically this is hurting me. I think about how i saw you in the hall with her and how you looked when i caught you in your moment with her and how happy you looked and how you didn't even notice me or that i was seeing. It makes my chest hurt and my eyes water. I feel this way anytime i see you just by yourself. I have to excuse myself from class to the bathroom and cry because your face hurts me. I stay up at night thinking of all that Ive said to you. All the laughing we've done. I wonder if you laugh with her that way? Maybe you do? Does she have you laughing harder then i do? I wonder if you too feel how this is affecting me? I want to cry in front of you so you can have a reason to ask me why I'm sad. I wanna scream it in your face. I want you to realize I'm in the most pain Ive been in since Taylor Morgan. Even more pain then i was in when i was with him. You don't know who that is or what he was to me but for you to just feel it for a fraction of a second would be nice even though it hurts me to wish that kind of pain on someone. It would at least get us on the same level for once. We'd think the same way for once. Please? Open your mouth. Let me know what you think? Don't be so mysterious all the fucking time. Help me out.