I don't get it.

I don't get these older guys and i don't get the attention i attract. I don't get how they can be almost like six fucking years older and how i can still appeal to them. Whatever. Not my fault. I also don't get how i have feelings for her of some sort. I don't even know her. I want to though. There is something about her face. Set aside the body. But her face is so damn pretty. Eyes that go miles deep. It's hypnotizing. It's like she has brownish green water inside them. I like it. I don't really run "that" way but I'm not against it either. Women can look really fucking beautiful sometimes. Why is it wrong to find them attractive? It's not. I also don't get why things suddenly came to a sudden stop between him and me. And i don't get how or why things started up with the other one either... "HUGE QUESTION MARK TACKED ONTO THE END OF THAT ONE." I guess there is something in the way he words things. He isn't exactly articulate but his conversation skills are quite sophisticated and are nothing like the kind I've heard pour from the mouths of other boys. I like the way he walks. And that softness he has to his what is really a pretty toned body. He is very strong too. He can be really quiet at times. Sometimes at lunch he'll go without speaking for a whole twenty minutes. His eyes scan the whole lunch room. It doesn't seem as if he is really looking for something in that huge room. Almost as if he is waiting for something that might come. He'll pause before he takes a sip and almost think it over. It looks as if he is thinking about what he is consuming. When I'm with him sometimes he makes his deals and buys his drugs. Or plans a get together with the guys and works out who is paying for what and who is driving who where. I imagine myself with him. Just him and I. Baking in his room. Or at the park. I've never had him in that way. His eyes are always huge but there is no dilation visible. Pupils totally normal. I sit in class after i leave him and wonder what the adventures his mind take under the influence of Laredo's finest weed are like. I think of how we laugh sober. I don't think we'd laugh the same stoned. We'd probably just laugh at the paint peeling off of a wall or something. Sometimes the shit "Shadow" and him come up with is like fucking out there. But there is a shared humor and understanding of the jokes that at first were just sentences. I know I've already said that i don't get why him and i have stopped acting like we would before or talking like before. But i think i know why that happened. I don't get why he looks at me with those "fuck me" eyes. That is a line from a song. The whole "fuck me" eyes thing but that's the best i can do to explain the looks he was giving me Thursday as i walked with him and Roland and Roger and "Shadow" and god knows what other males were present at the time. He plays with me well. I don't get how sometimes i can fucking detest Laredo and other times it feels as if i were to be made to leave that i couldn't handle being away from all these fucking beautiful people who i surround myself with. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from some of them. Thank you "Sundays". I should hate this retched place and all that has happened here. But i can't bring myself to it. I sit in the car I'm being driven in and watch what i pass and i want it to always stay with me. To forget what i feel when i see everything from the other side of the window would be tragic. How crushing the impact of forgetting this little and hot piece of my life would be. I love how industrial and dry and plain this fucking city looks. My own little electric dirt city. To forget these people and their faces would forever make me feel as if something was missing. I don't get what i feel for my father. I wish he would've been normal and that i had never lost who he was when i was a younger kid or a baby. And then i wish i had never fucking known him. And then i think of how i don't think he will even know where I'm living or how i look at eighteen cause i won't want him to. And i don't get why that hurts. Or why he has been the hardest to detach myself from. I mean he is only my father. Right?

I get bored and i can't handle myself anymore.
I have to look in the mirror and the mess on my floor.