Christina Marie...

I love you so fucking much.
I don't understand why i'm going down this destructive path again. I feel so out of place again. I feel like i have no purpose. I feel like i have nothing anyone would want or need. Im a mess. And i'm very scared. Ive started to not regret anything. I dont filter my thoughts anymore. I wish i lived in a field of marijuana some times. Or in the bottom of a bottle. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm disgusted with myself and I'm crushed by THIS rejection. I feel like my father rejected me and my family and now this person i wanted so bad to take me in rejected me without even saying a word to me. Why do people toss me around? Its like I'm some fucking rag doll. I understand that he has made his choice but i still walk around with this aching in my chest and that thickness in my throat like I'm going to cry. I don't really care anymore about the trouble i get in. I need anything that will distract me. I just fear ill begin to dabble in some things. You know what I'm talking about. I haven't told my mother how Ive been feeling. I feel it best to shield her from all the worry this would certainly cause her. I sometimes wish she didn't care. I feel like it'd be easier to do a lot of the shit i like to do. I wanna go home and i want to go nowhere. I don't understand this. I don't want this. I cant have this. I just want to be a little girl again. I feel as if I've been tainted by so much shit. Whats the fucking point in trying to find the kid i used to be. And as for that rave drug shit. I was rolling so bad mama. I couldn't believe it. I'm glad i left with my pants on though. I'm glad. And I'm sorry.