Rolling stoned. Keeping high.

This is a very bad idea but i think i might want to try and join in with Roger the next time he smokes. It has been a year and a summer since i've smoked pot. And though i'm not totally dependent i do miss it sometimes. The wind will pick up on really sunny and beautiful days and the air will carry the smell of someone probably not to far away who is burning some. I catch the scent right away because my senses know it all to well and all my trips from ages ago come flooding back in rapid little pieces. It it weird how the brain remembers that kind of shit seeing as how what you feel on your trips isn't real. It's not reality and that is really the only thing keeping me from smoking again. I've come this far and been to peoples houses and they smoke right in front of me and i don't take any hits. My will is strong but only when I'm not in a trippy mood. Lately i feel like so many movies and shows on the tube would be a million times more interesting if i watched them while i was baked. But it is not the truth. My eyes and my brain tend to deceive me when I'm under the influence. It can sometimes be a dangerous thing to do for me. I handle myself physically just fine but mentally i get myself into some really fucked situations. In the back of a random person's car or in a random living room. With no recollection of how i got there or who got me there. I feel so much bigger when i smoke. So much more funnier but i still feel trapped. I still realize that i am in a place where i don't want to be. No drug could ever take me away. When i wake up in the morning i will still be living in the same state and city. SLEEPING IN THE SAME SHEETS AND TAKING THE SAME STEPS IN ALL THE SAME HALLWAYS... Unless i got really high and was taken by partying strangers. But things like that don't ever happen to me. I don't understand this sudden urge to smoke. I do understand that what i would feel would be like the very first time again. Popping my own weed trip cherry again. So fucking high in such a fucking low ceiling house or building. I think my school work would get done more efficiently if i was high at school. But nothing is better or real when you are high. I hate it. I love herb but i hate it. I love the smell but i can't wash it out of my clothes and hair fast enough for fear that my mother might notice which she would. I enjoy the trip but i hate that i never get to where i want to go. I want to go home. I want to fly and i want to sleep forever. As you lay with me. To never wake again. Is that alright with you? Is that okay? But i will not let myself fall asleep with this lie. I will not dance with the green devil tonight. In this twirly dress. It will stay smelling floral. The right kind of plants. The perfect arrangement of buds. And i got a big bouquet of Mary Jane's flowers. I promise thats my dude but we don't split that "Reggie Bush". She is my little kush queen tonight. My little baby creep in the woods tonight.