Lately...

I have been terribly stressed. Everything with Willy has just been crazy. When he broke up with me everything came crashing down on me for about a day or two. I threw up all day long and cried hysterically. And i couldn't breath right at times. I fell dead asleep and didn't dream at all. I had forgotten what had happened and that he had broken up with me. But i couldn't shake the ugly feelings i was feeling when i woke up. And then of course i felt that pang of horrible pain in my chest and in my throat and i was suddenly extremely awake and aware that it was over. My brain was trying to forget for me i guess. My sleep was undisturbed. But to have to wake up to my missed calls and text messages from about a million friends of ours saying that they were all sorry and had my back if i needed to talk served as a painful reminder that it was officially done for the time being. Seeing him at school the next day was rough but we carried on as if the break up had never happened. I guess i figured that I'd rather have him as just a friend then to not have him at all. So we went on just being "friends" but yesterday he told me over the phone that he thought we should go out again. The entire time we were just "friends" i did my best to not slip up and call him "babe" or hug him in a way that would suggest to the people around us that we were more than friends. I almost got used to him not being my boyfriend. We continued to talk really cute and everything. With little baby kisses on the cheek and neck but in a friendship kind of way i guess. I was good with it being like that. Yesterday on the phone he said he had realized so much in the past month. That it was an incredibly fucked up decision he made. And that he wanted me back and that he hoped he wasn't too late and that he is really in love with me. So i said yes. And i also told him yes on one condition. That as long as he was sure this time and felt like he wanted to be more than just friends. And he said yes. And i can't say I'm not happy with everything. I just hope it lasts this time. I am madly in love with this guy. Fuck J.J. because he was just a rebound. Willy has always been that one guy i could never get over. He is the one i always come back to. I've spent my last two middle school years loving him. He says that i complete him and that he has totally changed since he has been with me. That i make him smile. He says he wants to move to Hawaii and make two baby boys with me and let me stay at home and cook me and the kiddos pancakes. And i wont hold the break up against him. It was for a good two weeks. When i did it to him he forgave me. Sometimes you have to loose something to learn that without it you're just not going to feel whole anymore. He said that when i started to act like i was ok with being friends only that he realized he had lost me and had been so badly mistaken in thinking that he just saw me as a best friend. He said he was trying so hard to see me as like a sister because he thought i didn't want him in a romantic way anymore. He was doing his best to get over it. The way i had rejected him. I only rejected him because i didn't want to taint our friendship and i didn't think he wanted me in that sort of way anyways. I guess that in a way he thought that i had only said yes to being with him the first time because i felt bad for him. He thought he was a mercy boyfriend or whatever. But no. No. No! He has never been. I have always liked him like crazy. And now i love him like crazy and i crave him like crazy and i need him like crazy. And he is just everything for me. And i am happy. And god. We have been through so much this year and last year. It's crazy how sometimes you are just meant to fall in love with someone who can be your lover and your best friend at the same time. How rare it is to have that with ANYONE.
I give thanks everyday i see him. Because for the first time i feel as if this guy is solid. I know he wont hurt me. He never cheats. He doesn't lie. He doesn't hit. He doesn't insult. He doesn't ignore. He doesn't avoid. How wrong of me would it be to hold the fact that he was just trying to spare himself of a broken heart against him? When in doing that we are exactly the same. We both have built a fence around ourselves in order to not get hurt. But now we have let each other jump each others "chain link" barriers. We have knocked down and cleared out everything in the way of us becoming closer and closer as lovers. I just love him so much. He means so much. I couldn't even begin to fathom the idea of him not being in my life. We are always together. And if we're apart there is always less than a mile and a half in between us. I have him close to me always.

"Entwined. All that we are is defined by each others ship wrecked hearts."

"Cause all i do is think of you and it's wearing me out. It's wearing me down."

"I know that times have been rough for the both of us but i'll pray for a change."

"You know that i'm a wreck."

"As the months turn into years just know that i will wait here for you."

"Cause i've prayed for a change."

"And if this love is what we see it is then i'm sure we will go far."

"I love everything you throw my way."