Rolling stoned. Keeping high.

This is a very bad idea but i think i might want to try and join in with Roger the next time he smokes. It has been a year and a summer since i've smoked pot. And though i'm not totally dependent i do miss it sometimes. The wind will pick up on really sunny and beautiful days and the air will carry the smell of someone probably not to far away who is burning some. I catch the scent right away because my senses know it all to well and all my trips from ages ago come flooding back in rapid little pieces. It it weird how the brain remembers that kind of shit seeing as how what you feel on your trips isn't real. It's not reality and that is really the only thing keeping me from smoking again. I've come this far and been to peoples houses and they smoke right in front of me and i don't take any hits. My will is strong but only when I'm not in a trippy mood. Lately i feel like so many movies and shows on the tube would be a million times more interesting if i watched them while i was baked. But it is not the truth. My eyes and my brain tend to deceive me when I'm under the influence. It can sometimes be a dangerous thing to do for me. I handle myself physically just fine but mentally i get myself into some really fucked situations. In the back of a random person's car or in a random living room. With no recollection of how i got there or who got me there. I feel so much bigger when i smoke. So much more funnier but i still feel trapped. I still realize that i am in a place where i don't want to be. No drug could ever take me away. When i wake up in the morning i will still be living in the same state and city. SLEEPING IN THE SAME SHEETS AND TAKING THE SAME STEPS IN ALL THE SAME HALLWAYS... Unless i got really high and was taken by partying strangers. But things like that don't ever happen to me. I don't understand this sudden urge to smoke. I do understand that what i would feel would be like the very first time again. Popping my own weed trip cherry again. So fucking high in such a fucking low ceiling house or building. I think my school work would get done more efficiently if i was high at school. But nothing is better or real when you are high. I hate it. I love herb but i hate it. I love the smell but i can't wash it out of my clothes and hair fast enough for fear that my mother might notice which she would. I enjoy the trip but i hate that i never get to where i want to go. I want to go home. I want to fly and i want to sleep forever. As you lay with me. To never wake again. Is that alright with you? Is that okay? But i will not let myself fall asleep with this lie. I will not dance with the green devil tonight. In this twirly dress. It will stay smelling floral. The right kind of plants. The perfect arrangement of buds. And i got a big bouquet of Mary Jane's flowers. I promise thats my dude but we don't split that "Reggie Bush". She is my little kush queen tonight. My little baby creep in the woods tonight.

Lyrics.

I feel the need to tell you now though you would've probably of found out on your own already.
So mature for your stupid age.
What are you doing with me?
This could end pretty badly.
Really badly.
So young you are.
So beautiful and in trouble you are in with me.
I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
Not after i smelled you on my sleeve.
Had to say what i was feeling.

In that tiny space.
So hot like it was.
You're cool breath on my neck.
I got the sudden urge to yell what i feel for you.
From the top where we were.
Telling you not to scream.
Telling you not to be scared cause you had me.

I just realized...

That come Monday things between us are going to be weird. Like we'll have our own little secret. Some may view it as wrong on your part for being older and on my part for knowing better but i view it as misunderstood by most. People fear what they can't relate to. That is all okay. We can fix this. We can erase this? Rewind? Umm... please let me? God. Shit. I'm a fucking idiot. Oh well. I've created a monster and it's too big for me to kill it now. On my own i can't. I am so truly sorry. Will being apologetic help? I don't really think it will. I hope you don't feel as if i led you on tonight.

And another thing... So cats out of the bag and Amanda knows i like you and this is gonna be like what happened with Willy all over again. I can just taste it. I feel it coming. But i like it. It makes me excited to know that I'm allowed to fuck around with you now in that flirty and heated kind of way when before i couldn't because i was afraid Willy would think i was a whore or something crazy like that :) I mean cause who the hell would see me as that type of girl? Come on now. That is not like me. Totally out of character. Really. I swore to him. So like i said... come Monday I'm ready for the games and i could give less of a shit if it bothers him or if he doesn't give a fuck just as much as i don't anymore. But oh how delicious the look on his face will be when i turn on the charm right in front of his silly boy face in the courtyard where we usually stand in front of him and all his friends. I'm so fucking over being hung up over you. I am so over hang ups period. New year and a new fucking attitude. If one doesn't bite move on to the next mother fucker yo. I really don't care to much for people who can't make up their fucking minds. And one more thing... This whole thing with you and her. I'm gonna squash that shit and I'm sorry to be like that but i just have to do it. I can't let you walk around with her in one hallway and drop her off in the next so she can leave with a girl friend and come back to class with like twelve guys who are not you. I'm not gonna break the news to you. I'm gonna drop it on you like a fucking bomb. Not to hurt you but to wake you the hell up. For such a smart boy when it comes to fucking with other peoples heads you have no idea how hard they are fucking with yours and blinding you from all this secretive shit. And if it happens that you decide to stay with her then that's fine. I'll admit it. I'm gonna be fucking pissed because you're gonna be with an undeserving cunt rag and i would have treated you better but you're the one calling the shots remember BIG BOY? She is chaeting on you and you're lying to yourself but if that is how you like you relationships all chalked up and full of big fat fucking lies then have your fun and your fuck. I sincerely hope that it is worth it. Worth the whole two minutes :)

What i would say right before i died.

It would go a little something like this. So today i woke up dude and i knew i was going to die. I didn't know shit would happen this way but it did. I mean like when i was brushing my teeth i was thinking this is the last time I'm ever gonna need to do this again. Cause you don't have morning breath in heaven. You always smell good there. Like an angel is what they tell me. Man... I wonder what an angel smells like? Do you think the big man upstairs has been watching me like the whole time i wasn't dying? If so then I'm soooooooo fucked. I can only hide so much shit from so many people. Not my creator though. Dude check this shit out? Look... You don't see that light mother fucker? I mean it's making me wanna close my eyes. Turn that shit off. Dim that shit for me please. Dude can you get me out of these fucking clothes? I at least want to be dressed nice the last day of my life. Remember all those times we got fucked up man? Bad trips. And good trips. And a lot of laughing and crying from laughing? I'm gonna miss you. I wonder what you'll think when you wake up tomorrow and you can't call me anymore cause I'll be so six sick feet under. Are the worms going to eat me man? Tell me no. Please? Why can't i get eaten by butterflies or something nice and pretty and lite like that? Worms aren't even nice looking at all man. Dude this fucking hurts bad. I don't really know what happened or why i am even able to still verbalize all the shit. I probably sound real fucked right about now huh? I'm thirsty. Be a doll and hand me that glass of water? And tell my mom and my sisters and my brothers to take care and to just throw all my shit away and to not do creepy shit and like smell my sheets and my pillows and my dirty clothes after I'm gone. I don't want to be remembered like that. Make sure you remove any stash of anything in my room. And burn my lyrics and my journals. Are you sure i can't take anything with me? Like if they put me in the casket with like my journal or something that it's like gonna decompose after sometime too? Do people get buried still wearing wedding bands? Make sure you delete all my Internet accounts. I wouldn't want anyone to be the person that messaged the dead chick... and then i flat line. without saying bye or that i love you or anyone or anything man. Just like that i belong to the soil. Man i can't believe i didn't get fucking married or fucking have kids or nothing man before i died. I didn,t even have a pet or anyhting man. I'm gonna die without any one to water all my plants and flowers and stuff. Oh man. I think i left the faucet dripping in the bathroom downstairs. I didn't turn the knob all the way back i don't think.

And my one wish in life? We'll my two wishes?

ONE: That i was wearing clean underwear when i arrived at the hospital.

TWO: That i told all this sht to someone important before i passed. And not that it was just some nurse or EMT. But like a friend or family member or someone nice like that. Somebody soft and comfortable.

What brought on this blog entry?

All the police and sirens at the house next to mine.

I don't get it.

I don't get these older guys and i don't get the attention i attract. I don't get how they can be almost like six fucking years older and how i can still appeal to them. Whatever. Not my fault. I also don't get how i have feelings for her of some sort. I don't even know her. I want to though. There is something about her face. Set aside the body. But her face is so damn pretty. Eyes that go miles deep. It's hypnotizing. It's like she has brownish green water inside them. I like it. I don't really run "that" way but I'm not against it either. Women can look really fucking beautiful sometimes. Why is it wrong to find them attractive? It's not. I also don't get why things suddenly came to a sudden stop between him and me. And i don't get how or why things started up with the other one either... "HUGE QUESTION MARK TACKED ONTO THE END OF THAT ONE." I guess there is something in the way he words things. He isn't exactly articulate but his conversation skills are quite sophisticated and are nothing like the kind I've heard pour from the mouths of other boys. I like the way he walks. And that softness he has to his what is really a pretty toned body. He is very strong too. He can be really quiet at times. Sometimes at lunch he'll go without speaking for a whole twenty minutes. His eyes scan the whole lunch room. It doesn't seem as if he is really looking for something in that huge room. Almost as if he is waiting for something that might come. He'll pause before he takes a sip and almost think it over. It looks as if he is thinking about what he is consuming. When I'm with him sometimes he makes his deals and buys his drugs. Or plans a get together with the guys and works out who is paying for what and who is driving who where. I imagine myself with him. Just him and I. Baking in his room. Or at the park. I've never had him in that way. His eyes are always huge but there is no dilation visible. Pupils totally normal. I sit in class after i leave him and wonder what the adventures his mind take under the influence of Laredo's finest weed are like. I think of how we laugh sober. I don't think we'd laugh the same stoned. We'd probably just laugh at the paint peeling off of a wall or something. Sometimes the shit "Shadow" and him come up with is like fucking out there. But there is a shared humor and understanding of the jokes that at first were just sentences. I know I've already said that i don't get why him and i have stopped acting like we would before or talking like before. But i think i know why that happened. I don't get why he looks at me with those "fuck me" eyes. That is a line from a song. The whole "fuck me" eyes thing but that's the best i can do to explain the looks he was giving me Thursday as i walked with him and Roland and Roger and "Shadow" and god knows what other males were present at the time. He plays with me well. I don't get how sometimes i can fucking detest Laredo and other times it feels as if i were to be made to leave that i couldn't handle being away from all these fucking beautiful people who i surround myself with. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from some of them. Thank you "Sundays". I should hate this retched place and all that has happened here. But i can't bring myself to it. I sit in the car I'm being driven in and watch what i pass and i want it to always stay with me. To forget what i feel when i see everything from the other side of the window would be tragic. How crushing the impact of forgetting this little and hot piece of my life would be. I love how industrial and dry and plain this fucking city looks. My own little electric dirt city. To forget these people and their faces would forever make me feel as if something was missing. I don't get what i feel for my father. I wish he would've been normal and that i had never lost who he was when i was a younger kid or a baby. And then i wish i had never fucking known him. And then i think of how i don't think he will even know where I'm living or how i look at eighteen cause i won't want him to. And i don't get why that hurts. Or why he has been the hardest to detach myself from. I mean he is only my father. Right?

I get bored and i can't handle myself anymore.
I have to look in the mirror and the mess on my floor.

I think it might be better.

Today was great. I love Roger and Eduardo and Amanda. They get me in the best mood. Roger says and does the funniest shit ever and Eduardo and Amanda and her little love notes make me feel super happy. I'm all jumping and happy. My smile is bigger than my face. Roger and Eduardo can push me into the boys bathroom anytime. Like yesterday i was so pissed that Roger stole my note but i couldn't help laughing cause it was pretty fucking funny. Hahaha. I don't think Eduardo was expecting me to kick him in the balls for reading the note out loud. So in the bus area i basically crushed his balls in a kick that went upward. His face was priceless. Then it was even funnier when he had to wobble to the benches and sitdown to catch his breath. So i've been put in a better mood and i'm calm and really happy. I feel a lot better knowing that i'm gonna see the boys. But Manda won't be there. So i have to write a huge note on everything that happens tommorow. Just walking with those mother fuckers causes me to pee my pants a little. I think its hillarious how neither of the guys have to even say anything in order to make me laugh. It makes me wish tommorow was here already.

I also have to say a little about my Chritina Marie. DUDE. Your comments and your advice can always get me back to reality. I don;t know if it hads to do with you being a little older or what but you always know the right words and thr right advice to give. I trust in your words and your friendship means the world to me. I don;t think i can say that any of my other friends would put up with that much sad pathetic bullshit. I feel like im always dumping my shit on you and i apologize. I don't want you to think that im trying to make the friendship about me cause i know i hate it when a friend only talks about themselves. I know youre not a bitch and that you do everything you do for me out of the kindness of your heart. But i still feel like i can sometimes give you that kind of impression. I love you Chrissy. MYSLEEZYSKANKYSWEETIESLUTWHORECHOCOLATECHIPCOOKIEMUFFINCUPCAKE.

STOP THIS.

I lay in my bed and the shaking starts.
The violent thrashing continues onward throughout the entire night.
The sheets come on and off my body but it isn't me yanking them off.
I am in so much pain that physically it moves me around. I begin to think of you. I picture your face and the convulsions start. I sweat and the air given off from the fan doesn't do much to cool me down. It then stops and I'll yawn. I might get up to go to the restroom. I'll stop myself by rolling off the bed and put my hands in between my knees. I then stand and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water. I think i sometimes fall asleep in the middle of it. When i wake in the morning my back and neck feel sore along with this fucking headache i frequently have. The headache from the fiery pits of hell. It throbs in my forehead and makes my ears feel hot. I get the sudden urge to take a shower. I like to lay down and take a nap. The water is my savior. It keeps the shaking away. The cold tiles under my body are better then the mattress i sleep on. I think of nothing except keeping totally still for fear that any little movement will wake my mind up and let images of you come floating back in. The thrashing scares me. I hide from my bed sometimes. I've taken a liking to the kitchen. I eat one meal a day and that's it. I cant trust my stomach to hold anything down. Especially not during the school days. I roam the hallways with caution. I count the linoleum tiles as i walk. I don't dare to look up. I sometimes stick my tongue out at the school security cameras. I sit in the stall. Not on the shitter but on the floor and brace myself for lunch when I'm forced to see that person. Though your absences kill me i wish they could or would be more frequent. And then i don't. I'm crushed by the way you walk. You walk as if there is nothing on your mind. As if nothing is going on in that head of yours. As if your not even concerned with what your choices do to people. I guess sound crazy. I'm not worried. I'm in distress. Your choice hurts me. When you get close to someone and they fucking spit on you... You remember stuff like that. I'm just sorry she beat me to the punch.

I guess i should go lay down.
Or try to.

No Tylenol around the house.
So the pain is all mine for the feeling.