Lately...

I have been terribly stressed. Everything with Willy has just been crazy. When he broke up with me everything came crashing down on me for about a day or two. I threw up all day long and cried hysterically. And i couldn't breath right at times. I fell dead asleep and didn't dream at all. I had forgotten what had happened and that he had broken up with me. But i couldn't shake the ugly feelings i was feeling when i woke up. And then of course i felt that pang of horrible pain in my chest and in my throat and i was suddenly extremely awake and aware that it was over. My brain was trying to forget for me i guess. My sleep was undisturbed. But to have to wake up to my missed calls and text messages from about a million friends of ours saying that they were all sorry and had my back if i needed to talk served as a painful reminder that it was officially done for the time being. Seeing him at school the next day was rough but we carried on as if the break up had never happened. I guess i figured that I'd rather have him as just a friend then to not have him at all. So we went on just being "friends" but yesterday he told me over the phone that he thought we should go out again. The entire time we were just "friends" i did my best to not slip up and call him "babe" or hug him in a way that would suggest to the people around us that we were more than friends. I almost got used to him not being my boyfriend. We continued to talk really cute and everything. With little baby kisses on the cheek and neck but in a friendship kind of way i guess. I was good with it being like that. Yesterday on the phone he said he had realized so much in the past month. That it was an incredibly fucked up decision he made. And that he wanted me back and that he hoped he wasn't too late and that he is really in love with me. So i said yes. And i also told him yes on one condition. That as long as he was sure this time and felt like he wanted to be more than just friends. And he said yes. And i can't say I'm not happy with everything. I just hope it lasts this time. I am madly in love with this guy. Fuck J.J. because he was just a rebound. Willy has always been that one guy i could never get over. He is the one i always come back to. I've spent my last two middle school years loving him. He says that i complete him and that he has totally changed since he has been with me. That i make him smile. He says he wants to move to Hawaii and make two baby boys with me and let me stay at home and cook me and the kiddos pancakes. And i wont hold the break up against him. It was for a good two weeks. When i did it to him he forgave me. Sometimes you have to loose something to learn that without it you're just not going to feel whole anymore. He said that when i started to act like i was ok with being friends only that he realized he had lost me and had been so badly mistaken in thinking that he just saw me as a best friend. He said he was trying so hard to see me as like a sister because he thought i didn't want him in a romantic way anymore. He was doing his best to get over it. The way i had rejected him. I only rejected him because i didn't want to taint our friendship and i didn't think he wanted me in that sort of way anyways. I guess that in a way he thought that i had only said yes to being with him the first time because i felt bad for him. He thought he was a mercy boyfriend or whatever. But no. No. No! He has never been. I have always liked him like crazy. And now i love him like crazy and i crave him like crazy and i need him like crazy. And he is just everything for me. And i am happy. And god. We have been through so much this year and last year. It's crazy how sometimes you are just meant to fall in love with someone who can be your lover and your best friend at the same time. How rare it is to have that with ANYONE.
I give thanks everyday i see him. Because for the first time i feel as if this guy is solid. I know he wont hurt me. He never cheats. He doesn't lie. He doesn't hit. He doesn't insult. He doesn't ignore. He doesn't avoid. How wrong of me would it be to hold the fact that he was just trying to spare himself of a broken heart against him? When in doing that we are exactly the same. We both have built a fence around ourselves in order to not get hurt. But now we have let each other jump each others "chain link" barriers. We have knocked down and cleared out everything in the way of us becoming closer and closer as lovers. I just love him so much. He means so much. I couldn't even begin to fathom the idea of him not being in my life. We are always together. And if we're apart there is always less than a mile and a half in between us. I have him close to me always.

"Entwined. All that we are is defined by each others ship wrecked hearts."

"Cause all i do is think of you and it's wearing me out. It's wearing me down."

"I know that times have been rough for the both of us but i'll pray for a change."

"You know that i'm a wreck."

"As the months turn into years just know that i will wait here for you."

"Cause i've prayed for a change."

"And if this love is what we see it is then i'm sure we will go far."

"I love everything you throw my way."

Rolling stoned. Keeping high.

This is a very bad idea but i think i might want to try and join in with Roger the next time he smokes. It has been a year and a summer since i've smoked pot. And though i'm not totally dependent i do miss it sometimes. The wind will pick up on really sunny and beautiful days and the air will carry the smell of someone probably not to far away who is burning some. I catch the scent right away because my senses know it all to well and all my trips from ages ago come flooding back in rapid little pieces. It it weird how the brain remembers that kind of shit seeing as how what you feel on your trips isn't real. It's not reality and that is really the only thing keeping me from smoking again. I've come this far and been to peoples houses and they smoke right in front of me and i don't take any hits. My will is strong but only when I'm not in a trippy mood. Lately i feel like so many movies and shows on the tube would be a million times more interesting if i watched them while i was baked. But it is not the truth. My eyes and my brain tend to deceive me when I'm under the influence. It can sometimes be a dangerous thing to do for me. I handle myself physically just fine but mentally i get myself into some really fucked situations. In the back of a random person's car or in a random living room. With no recollection of how i got there or who got me there. I feel so much bigger when i smoke. So much more funnier but i still feel trapped. I still realize that i am in a place where i don't want to be. No drug could ever take me away. When i wake up in the morning i will still be living in the same state and city. SLEEPING IN THE SAME SHEETS AND TAKING THE SAME STEPS IN ALL THE SAME HALLWAYS... Unless i got really high and was taken by partying strangers. But things like that don't ever happen to me. I don't understand this sudden urge to smoke. I do understand that what i would feel would be like the very first time again. Popping my own weed trip cherry again. So fucking high in such a fucking low ceiling house or building. I think my school work would get done more efficiently if i was high at school. But nothing is better or real when you are high. I hate it. I love herb but i hate it. I love the smell but i can't wash it out of my clothes and hair fast enough for fear that my mother might notice which she would. I enjoy the trip but i hate that i never get to where i want to go. I want to go home. I want to fly and i want to sleep forever. As you lay with me. To never wake again. Is that alright with you? Is that okay? But i will not let myself fall asleep with this lie. I will not dance with the green devil tonight. In this twirly dress. It will stay smelling floral. The right kind of plants. The perfect arrangement of buds. And i got a big bouquet of Mary Jane's flowers. I promise thats my dude but we don't split that "Reggie Bush". She is my little kush queen tonight. My little baby creep in the woods tonight.

Lyrics.

I feel the need to tell you now though you would've probably of found out on your own already.
So mature for your stupid age.
What are you doing with me?
This could end pretty badly.
Really badly.
So young you are.
So beautiful and in trouble you are in with me.
I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
Not after i smelled you on my sleeve.
Had to say what i was feeling.

In that tiny space.
So hot like it was.
You're cool breath on my neck.
I got the sudden urge to yell what i feel for you.
From the top where we were.
Telling you not to scream.
Telling you not to be scared cause you had me.

I just realized...

That come Monday things between us are going to be weird. Like we'll have our own little secret. Some may view it as wrong on your part for being older and on my part for knowing better but i view it as misunderstood by most. People fear what they can't relate to. That is all okay. We can fix this. We can erase this? Rewind? Umm... please let me? God. Shit. I'm a fucking idiot. Oh well. I've created a monster and it's too big for me to kill it now. On my own i can't. I am so truly sorry. Will being apologetic help? I don't really think it will. I hope you don't feel as if i led you on tonight.

And another thing... So cats out of the bag and Amanda knows i like you and this is gonna be like what happened with Willy all over again. I can just taste it. I feel it coming. But i like it. It makes me excited to know that I'm allowed to fuck around with you now in that flirty and heated kind of way when before i couldn't because i was afraid Willy would think i was a whore or something crazy like that :) I mean cause who the hell would see me as that type of girl? Come on now. That is not like me. Totally out of character. Really. I swore to him. So like i said... come Monday I'm ready for the games and i could give less of a shit if it bothers him or if he doesn't give a fuck just as much as i don't anymore. But oh how delicious the look on his face will be when i turn on the charm right in front of his silly boy face in the courtyard where we usually stand in front of him and all his friends. I'm so fucking over being hung up over you. I am so over hang ups period. New year and a new fucking attitude. If one doesn't bite move on to the next mother fucker yo. I really don't care to much for people who can't make up their fucking minds. And one more thing... This whole thing with you and her. I'm gonna squash that shit and I'm sorry to be like that but i just have to do it. I can't let you walk around with her in one hallway and drop her off in the next so she can leave with a girl friend and come back to class with like twelve guys who are not you. I'm not gonna break the news to you. I'm gonna drop it on you like a fucking bomb. Not to hurt you but to wake you the hell up. For such a smart boy when it comes to fucking with other peoples heads you have no idea how hard they are fucking with yours and blinding you from all this secretive shit. And if it happens that you decide to stay with her then that's fine. I'll admit it. I'm gonna be fucking pissed because you're gonna be with an undeserving cunt rag and i would have treated you better but you're the one calling the shots remember BIG BOY? She is chaeting on you and you're lying to yourself but if that is how you like you relationships all chalked up and full of big fat fucking lies then have your fun and your fuck. I sincerely hope that it is worth it. Worth the whole two minutes :)

What i would say right before i died.

It would go a little something like this. So today i woke up dude and i knew i was going to die. I didn't know shit would happen this way but it did. I mean like when i was brushing my teeth i was thinking this is the last time I'm ever gonna need to do this again. Cause you don't have morning breath in heaven. You always smell good there. Like an angel is what they tell me. Man... I wonder what an angel smells like? Do you think the big man upstairs has been watching me like the whole time i wasn't dying? If so then I'm soooooooo fucked. I can only hide so much shit from so many people. Not my creator though. Dude check this shit out? Look... You don't see that light mother fucker? I mean it's making me wanna close my eyes. Turn that shit off. Dim that shit for me please. Dude can you get me out of these fucking clothes? I at least want to be dressed nice the last day of my life. Remember all those times we got fucked up man? Bad trips. And good trips. And a lot of laughing and crying from laughing? I'm gonna miss you. I wonder what you'll think when you wake up tomorrow and you can't call me anymore cause I'll be so six sick feet under. Are the worms going to eat me man? Tell me no. Please? Why can't i get eaten by butterflies or something nice and pretty and lite like that? Worms aren't even nice looking at all man. Dude this fucking hurts bad. I don't really know what happened or why i am even able to still verbalize all the shit. I probably sound real fucked right about now huh? I'm thirsty. Be a doll and hand me that glass of water? And tell my mom and my sisters and my brothers to take care and to just throw all my shit away and to not do creepy shit and like smell my sheets and my pillows and my dirty clothes after I'm gone. I don't want to be remembered like that. Make sure you remove any stash of anything in my room. And burn my lyrics and my journals. Are you sure i can't take anything with me? Like if they put me in the casket with like my journal or something that it's like gonna decompose after sometime too? Do people get buried still wearing wedding bands? Make sure you delete all my Internet accounts. I wouldn't want anyone to be the person that messaged the dead chick... and then i flat line. without saying bye or that i love you or anyone or anything man. Just like that i belong to the soil. Man i can't believe i didn't get fucking married or fucking have kids or nothing man before i died. I didn,t even have a pet or anyhting man. I'm gonna die without any one to water all my plants and flowers and stuff. Oh man. I think i left the faucet dripping in the bathroom downstairs. I didn't turn the knob all the way back i don't think.

And my one wish in life? We'll my two wishes?

ONE: That i was wearing clean underwear when i arrived at the hospital.

TWO: That i told all this sht to someone important before i passed. And not that it was just some nurse or EMT. But like a friend or family member or someone nice like that. Somebody soft and comfortable.

What brought on this blog entry?

All the police and sirens at the house next to mine.

I don't get it.

I don't get these older guys and i don't get the attention i attract. I don't get how they can be almost like six fucking years older and how i can still appeal to them. Whatever. Not my fault. I also don't get how i have feelings for her of some sort. I don't even know her. I want to though. There is something about her face. Set aside the body. But her face is so damn pretty. Eyes that go miles deep. It's hypnotizing. It's like she has brownish green water inside them. I like it. I don't really run "that" way but I'm not against it either. Women can look really fucking beautiful sometimes. Why is it wrong to find them attractive? It's not. I also don't get why things suddenly came to a sudden stop between him and me. And i don't get how or why things started up with the other one either... "HUGE QUESTION MARK TACKED ONTO THE END OF THAT ONE." I guess there is something in the way he words things. He isn't exactly articulate but his conversation skills are quite sophisticated and are nothing like the kind I've heard pour from the mouths of other boys. I like the way he walks. And that softness he has to his what is really a pretty toned body. He is very strong too. He can be really quiet at times. Sometimes at lunch he'll go without speaking for a whole twenty minutes. His eyes scan the whole lunch room. It doesn't seem as if he is really looking for something in that huge room. Almost as if he is waiting for something that might come. He'll pause before he takes a sip and almost think it over. It looks as if he is thinking about what he is consuming. When I'm with him sometimes he makes his deals and buys his drugs. Or plans a get together with the guys and works out who is paying for what and who is driving who where. I imagine myself with him. Just him and I. Baking in his room. Or at the park. I've never had him in that way. His eyes are always huge but there is no dilation visible. Pupils totally normal. I sit in class after i leave him and wonder what the adventures his mind take under the influence of Laredo's finest weed are like. I think of how we laugh sober. I don't think we'd laugh the same stoned. We'd probably just laugh at the paint peeling off of a wall or something. Sometimes the shit "Shadow" and him come up with is like fucking out there. But there is a shared humor and understanding of the jokes that at first were just sentences. I know I've already said that i don't get why him and i have stopped acting like we would before or talking like before. But i think i know why that happened. I don't get why he looks at me with those "fuck me" eyes. That is a line from a song. The whole "fuck me" eyes thing but that's the best i can do to explain the looks he was giving me Thursday as i walked with him and Roland and Roger and "Shadow" and god knows what other males were present at the time. He plays with me well. I don't get how sometimes i can fucking detest Laredo and other times it feels as if i were to be made to leave that i couldn't handle being away from all these fucking beautiful people who i surround myself with. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from some of them. Thank you "Sundays". I should hate this retched place and all that has happened here. But i can't bring myself to it. I sit in the car I'm being driven in and watch what i pass and i want it to always stay with me. To forget what i feel when i see everything from the other side of the window would be tragic. How crushing the impact of forgetting this little and hot piece of my life would be. I love how industrial and dry and plain this fucking city looks. My own little electric dirt city. To forget these people and their faces would forever make me feel as if something was missing. I don't get what i feel for my father. I wish he would've been normal and that i had never lost who he was when i was a younger kid or a baby. And then i wish i had never fucking known him. And then i think of how i don't think he will even know where I'm living or how i look at eighteen cause i won't want him to. And i don't get why that hurts. Or why he has been the hardest to detach myself from. I mean he is only my father. Right?

I get bored and i can't handle myself anymore.
I have to look in the mirror and the mess on my floor.

I think it might be better.

Today was great. I love Roger and Eduardo and Amanda. They get me in the best mood. Roger says and does the funniest shit ever and Eduardo and Amanda and her little love notes make me feel super happy. I'm all jumping and happy. My smile is bigger than my face. Roger and Eduardo can push me into the boys bathroom anytime. Like yesterday i was so pissed that Roger stole my note but i couldn't help laughing cause it was pretty fucking funny. Hahaha. I don't think Eduardo was expecting me to kick him in the balls for reading the note out loud. So in the bus area i basically crushed his balls in a kick that went upward. His face was priceless. Then it was even funnier when he had to wobble to the benches and sitdown to catch his breath. So i've been put in a better mood and i'm calm and really happy. I feel a lot better knowing that i'm gonna see the boys. But Manda won't be there. So i have to write a huge note on everything that happens tommorow. Just walking with those mother fuckers causes me to pee my pants a little. I think its hillarious how neither of the guys have to even say anything in order to make me laugh. It makes me wish tommorow was here already.

I also have to say a little about my Chritina Marie. DUDE. Your comments and your advice can always get me back to reality. I don;t know if it hads to do with you being a little older or what but you always know the right words and thr right advice to give. I trust in your words and your friendship means the world to me. I don;t think i can say that any of my other friends would put up with that much sad pathetic bullshit. I feel like im always dumping my shit on you and i apologize. I don't want you to think that im trying to make the friendship about me cause i know i hate it when a friend only talks about themselves. I know youre not a bitch and that you do everything you do for me out of the kindness of your heart. But i still feel like i can sometimes give you that kind of impression. I love you Chrissy. MYSLEEZYSKANKYSWEETIESLUTWHORECHOCOLATECHIPCOOKIEMUFFINCUPCAKE.