Rolling stoned. Keeping high.

This is a very bad idea but i think i might want to try and join in with Roger the next time he smokes. It has been a year and a summer since i've smoked pot. And though i'm not totally dependent i do miss it sometimes. The wind will pick up on really sunny and beautiful days and the air will carry the smell of someone probably not to far away who is burning some. I catch the scent right away because my senses know it all to well and all my trips from ages ago come flooding back in rapid little pieces. It it weird how the brain remembers that kind of shit seeing as how what you feel on your trips isn't real. It's not reality and that is really the only thing keeping me from smoking again. I've come this far and been to peoples houses and they smoke right in front of me and i don't take any hits. My will is strong but only when I'm not in a trippy mood. Lately i feel like so many movies and shows on the tube would be a million times more interesting if i watched them while i was baked. But it is not the truth. My eyes and my brain tend to deceive me when I'm under the influence. It can sometimes be a dangerous thing to do for me. I handle myself physically just fine but mentally i get myself into some really fucked situations. In the back of a random person's car or in a random living room. With no recollection of how i got there or who got me there. I feel so much bigger when i smoke. So much more funnier but i still feel trapped. I still realize that i am in a place where i don't want to be. No drug could ever take me away. When i wake up in the morning i will still be living in the same state and city. SLEEPING IN THE SAME SHEETS AND TAKING THE SAME STEPS IN ALL THE SAME HALLWAYS... Unless i got really high and was taken by partying strangers. But things like that don't ever happen to me. I don't understand this sudden urge to smoke. I do understand that what i would feel would be like the very first time again. Popping my own weed trip cherry again. So fucking high in such a fucking low ceiling house or building. I think my school work would get done more efficiently if i was high at school. But nothing is better or real when you are high. I hate it. I love herb but i hate it. I love the smell but i can't wash it out of my clothes and hair fast enough for fear that my mother might notice which she would. I enjoy the trip but i hate that i never get to where i want to go. I want to go home. I want to fly and i want to sleep forever. As you lay with me. To never wake again. Is that alright with you? Is that okay? But i will not let myself fall asleep with this lie. I will not dance with the green devil tonight. In this twirly dress. It will stay smelling floral. The right kind of plants. The perfect arrangement of buds. And i got a big bouquet of Mary Jane's flowers. I promise thats my dude but we don't split that "Reggie Bush". She is my little kush queen tonight. My little baby creep in the woods tonight.

Lyrics.

I feel the need to tell you now though you would've probably of found out on your own already.
So mature for your stupid age.
What are you doing with me?
This could end pretty badly.
Really badly.
So young you are.
So beautiful and in trouble you are in with me.
I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
Not after i smelled you on my sleeve.
Had to say what i was feeling.

In that tiny space.
So hot like it was.
You're cool breath on my neck.
I got the sudden urge to yell what i feel for you.
From the top where we were.
Telling you not to scream.
Telling you not to be scared cause you had me.

I just realized...

That come Monday things between us are going to be weird. Like we'll have our own little secret. Some may view it as wrong on your part for being older and on my part for knowing better but i view it as misunderstood by most. People fear what they can't relate to. That is all okay. We can fix this. We can erase this? Rewind? Umm... please let me? God. Shit. I'm a fucking idiot. Oh well. I've created a monster and it's too big for me to kill it now. On my own i can't. I am so truly sorry. Will being apologetic help? I don't really think it will. I hope you don't feel as if i led you on tonight.

And another thing... So cats out of the bag and Amanda knows i like you and this is gonna be like what happened with Willy all over again. I can just taste it. I feel it coming. But i like it. It makes me excited to know that I'm allowed to fuck around with you now in that flirty and heated kind of way when before i couldn't because i was afraid Willy would think i was a whore or something crazy like that :) I mean cause who the hell would see me as that type of girl? Come on now. That is not like me. Totally out of character. Really. I swore to him. So like i said... come Monday I'm ready for the games and i could give less of a shit if it bothers him or if he doesn't give a fuck just as much as i don't anymore. But oh how delicious the look on his face will be when i turn on the charm right in front of his silly boy face in the courtyard where we usually stand in front of him and all his friends. I'm so fucking over being hung up over you. I am so over hang ups period. New year and a new fucking attitude. If one doesn't bite move on to the next mother fucker yo. I really don't care to much for people who can't make up their fucking minds. And one more thing... This whole thing with you and her. I'm gonna squash that shit and I'm sorry to be like that but i just have to do it. I can't let you walk around with her in one hallway and drop her off in the next so she can leave with a girl friend and come back to class with like twelve guys who are not you. I'm not gonna break the news to you. I'm gonna drop it on you like a fucking bomb. Not to hurt you but to wake you the hell up. For such a smart boy when it comes to fucking with other peoples heads you have no idea how hard they are fucking with yours and blinding you from all this secretive shit. And if it happens that you decide to stay with her then that's fine. I'll admit it. I'm gonna be fucking pissed because you're gonna be with an undeserving cunt rag and i would have treated you better but you're the one calling the shots remember BIG BOY? She is chaeting on you and you're lying to yourself but if that is how you like you relationships all chalked up and full of big fat fucking lies then have your fun and your fuck. I sincerely hope that it is worth it. Worth the whole two minutes :)

What i would say right before i died.

It would go a little something like this. So today i woke up dude and i knew i was going to die. I didn't know shit would happen this way but it did. I mean like when i was brushing my teeth i was thinking this is the last time I'm ever gonna need to do this again. Cause you don't have morning breath in heaven. You always smell good there. Like an angel is what they tell me. Man... I wonder what an angel smells like? Do you think the big man upstairs has been watching me like the whole time i wasn't dying? If so then I'm soooooooo fucked. I can only hide so much shit from so many people. Not my creator though. Dude check this shit out? Look... You don't see that light mother fucker? I mean it's making me wanna close my eyes. Turn that shit off. Dim that shit for me please. Dude can you get me out of these fucking clothes? I at least want to be dressed nice the last day of my life. Remember all those times we got fucked up man? Bad trips. And good trips. And a lot of laughing and crying from laughing? I'm gonna miss you. I wonder what you'll think when you wake up tomorrow and you can't call me anymore cause I'll be so six sick feet under. Are the worms going to eat me man? Tell me no. Please? Why can't i get eaten by butterflies or something nice and pretty and lite like that? Worms aren't even nice looking at all man. Dude this fucking hurts bad. I don't really know what happened or why i am even able to still verbalize all the shit. I probably sound real fucked right about now huh? I'm thirsty. Be a doll and hand me that glass of water? And tell my mom and my sisters and my brothers to take care and to just throw all my shit away and to not do creepy shit and like smell my sheets and my pillows and my dirty clothes after I'm gone. I don't want to be remembered like that. Make sure you remove any stash of anything in my room. And burn my lyrics and my journals. Are you sure i can't take anything with me? Like if they put me in the casket with like my journal or something that it's like gonna decompose after sometime too? Do people get buried still wearing wedding bands? Make sure you delete all my Internet accounts. I wouldn't want anyone to be the person that messaged the dead chick... and then i flat line. without saying bye or that i love you or anyone or anything man. Just like that i belong to the soil. Man i can't believe i didn't get fucking married or fucking have kids or nothing man before i died. I didn,t even have a pet or anyhting man. I'm gonna die without any one to water all my plants and flowers and stuff. Oh man. I think i left the faucet dripping in the bathroom downstairs. I didn't turn the knob all the way back i don't think.

And my one wish in life? We'll my two wishes?

ONE: That i was wearing clean underwear when i arrived at the hospital.

TWO: That i told all this sht to someone important before i passed. And not that it was just some nurse or EMT. But like a friend or family member or someone nice like that. Somebody soft and comfortable.

What brought on this blog entry?

All the police and sirens at the house next to mine.

I don't get it.

I don't get these older guys and i don't get the attention i attract. I don't get how they can be almost like six fucking years older and how i can still appeal to them. Whatever. Not my fault. I also don't get how i have feelings for her of some sort. I don't even know her. I want to though. There is something about her face. Set aside the body. But her face is so damn pretty. Eyes that go miles deep. It's hypnotizing. It's like she has brownish green water inside them. I like it. I don't really run "that" way but I'm not against it either. Women can look really fucking beautiful sometimes. Why is it wrong to find them attractive? It's not. I also don't get why things suddenly came to a sudden stop between him and me. And i don't get how or why things started up with the other one either... "HUGE QUESTION MARK TACKED ONTO THE END OF THAT ONE." I guess there is something in the way he words things. He isn't exactly articulate but his conversation skills are quite sophisticated and are nothing like the kind I've heard pour from the mouths of other boys. I like the way he walks. And that softness he has to his what is really a pretty toned body. He is very strong too. He can be really quiet at times. Sometimes at lunch he'll go without speaking for a whole twenty minutes. His eyes scan the whole lunch room. It doesn't seem as if he is really looking for something in that huge room. Almost as if he is waiting for something that might come. He'll pause before he takes a sip and almost think it over. It looks as if he is thinking about what he is consuming. When I'm with him sometimes he makes his deals and buys his drugs. Or plans a get together with the guys and works out who is paying for what and who is driving who where. I imagine myself with him. Just him and I. Baking in his room. Or at the park. I've never had him in that way. His eyes are always huge but there is no dilation visible. Pupils totally normal. I sit in class after i leave him and wonder what the adventures his mind take under the influence of Laredo's finest weed are like. I think of how we laugh sober. I don't think we'd laugh the same stoned. We'd probably just laugh at the paint peeling off of a wall or something. Sometimes the shit "Shadow" and him come up with is like fucking out there. But there is a shared humor and understanding of the jokes that at first were just sentences. I know I've already said that i don't get why him and i have stopped acting like we would before or talking like before. But i think i know why that happened. I don't get why he looks at me with those "fuck me" eyes. That is a line from a song. The whole "fuck me" eyes thing but that's the best i can do to explain the looks he was giving me Thursday as i walked with him and Roland and Roger and "Shadow" and god knows what other males were present at the time. He plays with me well. I don't get how sometimes i can fucking detest Laredo and other times it feels as if i were to be made to leave that i couldn't handle being away from all these fucking beautiful people who i surround myself with. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from some of them. Thank you "Sundays". I should hate this retched place and all that has happened here. But i can't bring myself to it. I sit in the car I'm being driven in and watch what i pass and i want it to always stay with me. To forget what i feel when i see everything from the other side of the window would be tragic. How crushing the impact of forgetting this little and hot piece of my life would be. I love how industrial and dry and plain this fucking city looks. My own little electric dirt city. To forget these people and their faces would forever make me feel as if something was missing. I don't get what i feel for my father. I wish he would've been normal and that i had never lost who he was when i was a younger kid or a baby. And then i wish i had never fucking known him. And then i think of how i don't think he will even know where I'm living or how i look at eighteen cause i won't want him to. And i don't get why that hurts. Or why he has been the hardest to detach myself from. I mean he is only my father. Right?

I get bored and i can't handle myself anymore.
I have to look in the mirror and the mess on my floor.

I think it might be better.

Today was great. I love Roger and Eduardo and Amanda. They get me in the best mood. Roger says and does the funniest shit ever and Eduardo and Amanda and her little love notes make me feel super happy. I'm all jumping and happy. My smile is bigger than my face. Roger and Eduardo can push me into the boys bathroom anytime. Like yesterday i was so pissed that Roger stole my note but i couldn't help laughing cause it was pretty fucking funny. Hahaha. I don't think Eduardo was expecting me to kick him in the balls for reading the note out loud. So in the bus area i basically crushed his balls in a kick that went upward. His face was priceless. Then it was even funnier when he had to wobble to the benches and sitdown to catch his breath. So i've been put in a better mood and i'm calm and really happy. I feel a lot better knowing that i'm gonna see the boys. But Manda won't be there. So i have to write a huge note on everything that happens tommorow. Just walking with those mother fuckers causes me to pee my pants a little. I think its hillarious how neither of the guys have to even say anything in order to make me laugh. It makes me wish tommorow was here already.

I also have to say a little about my Chritina Marie. DUDE. Your comments and your advice can always get me back to reality. I don;t know if it hads to do with you being a little older or what but you always know the right words and thr right advice to give. I trust in your words and your friendship means the world to me. I don;t think i can say that any of my other friends would put up with that much sad pathetic bullshit. I feel like im always dumping my shit on you and i apologize. I don't want you to think that im trying to make the friendship about me cause i know i hate it when a friend only talks about themselves. I know youre not a bitch and that you do everything you do for me out of the kindness of your heart. But i still feel like i can sometimes give you that kind of impression. I love you Chrissy. MYSLEEZYSKANKYSWEETIESLUTWHORECHOCOLATECHIPCOOKIEMUFFINCUPCAKE.

STOP THIS.

I lay in my bed and the shaking starts.
The violent thrashing continues onward throughout the entire night.
The sheets come on and off my body but it isn't me yanking them off.
I am in so much pain that physically it moves me around. I begin to think of you. I picture your face and the convulsions start. I sweat and the air given off from the fan doesn't do much to cool me down. It then stops and I'll yawn. I might get up to go to the restroom. I'll stop myself by rolling off the bed and put my hands in between my knees. I then stand and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water. I think i sometimes fall asleep in the middle of it. When i wake in the morning my back and neck feel sore along with this fucking headache i frequently have. The headache from the fiery pits of hell. It throbs in my forehead and makes my ears feel hot. I get the sudden urge to take a shower. I like to lay down and take a nap. The water is my savior. It keeps the shaking away. The cold tiles under my body are better then the mattress i sleep on. I think of nothing except keeping totally still for fear that any little movement will wake my mind up and let images of you come floating back in. The thrashing scares me. I hide from my bed sometimes. I've taken a liking to the kitchen. I eat one meal a day and that's it. I cant trust my stomach to hold anything down. Especially not during the school days. I roam the hallways with caution. I count the linoleum tiles as i walk. I don't dare to look up. I sometimes stick my tongue out at the school security cameras. I sit in the stall. Not on the shitter but on the floor and brace myself for lunch when I'm forced to see that person. Though your absences kill me i wish they could or would be more frequent. And then i don't. I'm crushed by the way you walk. You walk as if there is nothing on your mind. As if nothing is going on in that head of yours. As if your not even concerned with what your choices do to people. I guess sound crazy. I'm not worried. I'm in distress. Your choice hurts me. When you get close to someone and they fucking spit on you... You remember stuff like that. I'm just sorry she beat me to the punch.

I guess i should go lay down.
Or try to.

No Tylenol around the house.
So the pain is all mine for the feeling.

Christina Marie...

I love you so fucking much.
I don't understand why i'm going down this destructive path again. I feel so out of place again. I feel like i have no purpose. I feel like i have nothing anyone would want or need. Im a mess. And i'm very scared. Ive started to not regret anything. I dont filter my thoughts anymore. I wish i lived in a field of marijuana some times. Or in the bottom of a bottle. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm disgusted with myself and I'm crushed by THIS rejection. I feel like my father rejected me and my family and now this person i wanted so bad to take me in rejected me without even saying a word to me. Why do people toss me around? Its like I'm some fucking rag doll. I understand that he has made his choice but i still walk around with this aching in my chest and that thickness in my throat like I'm going to cry. I don't really care anymore about the trouble i get in. I need anything that will distract me. I just fear ill begin to dabble in some things. You know what I'm talking about. I haven't told my mother how Ive been feeling. I feel it best to shield her from all the worry this would certainly cause her. I sometimes wish she didn't care. I feel like it'd be easier to do a lot of the shit i like to do. I wanna go home and i want to go nowhere. I don't understand this. I don't want this. I cant have this. I just want to be a little girl again. I feel as if I've been tainted by so much shit. Whats the fucking point in trying to find the kid i used to be. And as for that rave drug shit. I was rolling so bad mama. I couldn't believe it. I'm glad i left with my pants on though. I'm glad. And I'm sorry.

More random words that just come to me...

Soul and substance.
Love and liquor.
What drove me to mix them?
I'd love to blame you and say that you did.
I just wanted to forget that you were only a friend.
That is all you'll ever want to be to me.

You leave me thirsting for a lack of memory.
It has always been her.
I'll to my best and try to drown you in my body.

I'm unaware of any other way to erase you.
My nose filled with your smell hours after you've been around me.
It keeps me from doing what i have to.
From trying to put you behind me.
Such a pathetic attempt to undo it all.

Hello my baby girl...

Christina baby.
Asia Dolly...

Yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye.

Dude i feel like its been ages.

Dude so i'll start from the begining.
Okay so i think i fucked up and fell in love with the boy who sits next to me everyday in my second period keyboarding class.
I have been talking to him for like the last semester and Ive come to adore every little thing about him. Everyday that Ive sat next to him hes made it seem like he likes me. I mean like you know when a guy who likes you always finds a way to look at you from across the room making sure you see him to know hes looking and when you guys are looking at each other you're exchanging some kind of feeling of fondness for one another? He looks at me as if hes dying to tell me something about liking me but he just won't for some silly reason? Well anyways... All those little things about him have made me like him more then Ive ever liked anybody dude. I wanted to tell him how i felt so bad. I felt like every time i looked at him that i was keeping some massive secret from him. I was so exhausted from all the little games we had been playing throughout are friendship. I felt that me telling him what i was feeling for him would be the little push i was thinking he needed in order to spill his guts. So i told him. He stayed quiet and i got embarrassed and i just walked away right when i saw he still hadn't opened his mouth to speak.

I was crushed dude. I didn't go to school one day during that week. My friend Amanda sent me a text saying that he went to talk to her and he told her that he had stayed quiet because he had been talking with this other chick and had asked her out and that they'd been together since that Monday. She told me that he made the saddest face when he was finished telling her. She also said that he looked like he was regretting being tied down to her big time. Supposedly that when he was talking about his girlfriend that he sounded like he wished he didn't have one. He made it seem to my friend that if he had been single when i told him that he would've asked me out.

That whole day and many many many days after i cried until i would pass out from being so tired and worked up over being so sad. I couldn't stop thinking of how pathetic i must have looked as i poured my heart out to him in the rain in the middle of the school yard. I sat and wondered about what the hell she had that i didn't. And i was so pissed about all the fucking mixed signals he had sent me. I guess i was like his toy. So after a couple weeks i started to be able to not run to the bathroom and vomit every time i saw him and his girlfriend walking together and he still acted like he liked me the rest of the semester. He would hug me at random times and stare at me from across the cafeteria and touch my face or brush my bangs outta my face. But he stayed with her and it pissed me off more and more. Bit i still couldn't hate him or even hate her.

So come the weekend of the party and i was itching to cut the fuck loose and dance with random guys and get higher then a kite and drink till my words slurred and my eyes drooped. And even though i didn't smoke i had plenty to drink. They put what i think was an ecstasy in one of my beers and i was rolling hard core. I was freaking out and sweating bullets and talking funny and my fucking heart was racing so fast i could feel it in my and hear it louder then the music and voices at the party. I sware to god i must have only blinked twice in those whole like five hours. I was so wired. And i was so scared and i wasn't hurting for once. The pill washed it all out. I was so scared and kept dancing because my legs wouldn't let me stop and i had to hide from the guys i had been drinking with and i had to keep from laying down anywhere in the house. But the best part was that i forgot about him. The worst part is that i still remember him. My friend is throwing a small get together in two weeks. I faintly remeber crying at the party to because i was so fucking tired. So dead tired from everything. I could not stop moving. I wanted to lay down so bad. I was feeling so energetic when i just wanted to sleep. I just wanted him to pick me.




Soul and substance. Love and liqour. What drives us to mix them?

Lyrics

Your heart used to be so beautiful up until now that its been infected by fear and doubt. No trust anymore. Only to be replaced by sorry excuses to shut yourself down. I understand that you've been wronged. Do you need to go this far? Cut yourself off from the world. No. I don't think so.



I couldve had your babies. Id of most likely been your wife. But you left me for her. Now lets take a look at your life. Your kids are ugly like her. Now you miss me? Is it only cause i came into money?

This week.

This week ive been feeling pretty shitty. Today there was a dance and i went and so did "he" and i danced with people and he watched and i have to come clean and say i made sure i was in his sight the whole hour. I wanted to see if he would watch me whether it was me moving by myself or if with other people. He watched me doing both. I cant be for sure but i think hes starting to like what he sees. & i think he was kinda feeling it before but now hes being a smart boy and picking up on the hints i give. About fucking time. I watched him watch me. He knows. I made it very clear that i was aware of his eyes looking for me. i did my best to meet them everytime he looked at me. The little game we played was fun and it left me wanting more. I am rather pleased with myself and im doing my best to not think about how today like many other days probably wont make a difference. He doesn't walk me to class. He walks her. He knows all her classes and meets her after every one of them. I don't blame her. My fault.

I can't stand you. You make my stomach turn.

Really. You do. I can't believe the way you act with her. As if i never even told you anything. You have no idea that i always catch you in the halls. I am invisible to you. You walk by with her and i sware it's like there isn't a person in the world around you other then her. I'm so tired of caring. I'm so disgusted by how you look at her. I kinda wish i had never met you. I wish you had never been in my class. I wish we had never exchanged words or smiles or laughs or looks. I wish i could look at your face and not feel anything like i feel now. I'm supposed to wait till you guys break it off or what the fuck? What do i do? I have no idea how to go about ignoring you. Its way too hard and to be honest it is the most painful thing ive ever tried to do. I don't even understand why. I barely know you. But i need you. You are all i wake up for in the morning. Your like my motivation for going to school. OHMYFUCKINGGOD. I don't believe how this is affecting me. Why? Why did it have to be you? And why did it have to be her?...

On a lighter note. Not a happier note but a less heavier one... This semester is almost over. Im itching for summer. Itching to be free from all these people. Dying for the blistering heat because i hate the cold. It's funny how the weather works with your emotions. Its kinda weird how the enviorment or the atmosphere can match your mood. COLD. I feel cold. I say things to people close to me and i care less how they feel afterwards. I don't care anymore. I'm so tired of trying to watch what i say around people when they are planning on getting in my fucking bussiness anyways. I just don't filter my thoughts anymore. The point of it i don't know... Why should i have to think the way people are comfortable with. No. You know what? Fuck that! I don't do that. I never used to do that and now ive let my guard down. Now i'm drowning in everybody elses feelings and it has been so fucking long since ive been able to breath. Since ive been able to come up for air. I guess everybody sees some holes in me or something. Cause lately theyve been doing all they can to dump their shit on me and fill 'em up. Please get out of my head and leave me alone. I don't need anymore on my plate. Jesus Christ Almighty.

That night was horrible.

Party at Selena's. I consumed more alcohol that night then i have all the other times i have ever drank in my whole life combined. Beer. Shots. And a shitload of more beer. And some MD 20/20. The shit tasted like chunky, icy, cough medicine but it got the job done. I realized we had almost polished off an entire ice chest of beer and i knew i was in trouble. I had a beer that night and it tasted really really bitter and almost chalky. It didn't taste like beer at all and i could see the white powder floating around at the bottom of the bottle. I told Selena and she assured me it was nothing and that I had probably mistaken some foam for a pill or something. Well, turns out i didn't. My eyes were glassy as hell and i was sweating bullets on a night that was rather cold. I was in a very light t-shirt and too drunk to dance hardly at all so i definitely wasn't sweating from moving around a lot. My breathing was heavy and my head felt like i had air whooshing around inside it and i felt my eyes wanting to close on me. I have to admit though that i was feeling rather on top of the world the whole night. My what I'm guessing was a lightly spiked beer made me forget all about Guillermo and my father and how disappointed my mother was going to be when she picked me up. I almost got into a fight and into a car with some very drunk friends. Thank god somebody stayed sober cause i could have been wrapped around a telephone pole that night. Anyways i failed my mother and broke her trust and now she'll see to it that I'm never allowed outside my house for the rest of my adolescent life. I came home after being chewed out for SMELLING like a brewery. I honestly believe my mother took it way too easy on me. I am so ashamed. I hadn't drank since last summer and i was doing so well. I let myself down. I let my friends down. I let my family down. But that night let me forget about my life and i didn't feel anything. No pain at all. The first day that was pain free for months. I cant say i regret feeling good but i do regret that i caused my family pain. I'm deeply sorry. I made a fool of myself. I think the worst part is is that i was made aware of this by all my friends who were less intoxicated then i was and they had been at the party for longer. I don't know why i turn to substances for comfort sometimes. I am not an alcoholic but i fear that one day I'm gonna end up liking its effectiveness too much for my own good. For my own health and well being. I feel like and idiot.

" i count the days that we have spent apart. ive got a bad liver and a broken heart. theres no salvation in the comfort of you. you drove me to the edge youve caused me all this pain."

I can't explain how i feel.

I can't put what i feel for him into words. I can attempt to do so. It'll be a shitty attempt though. I don't know how you did it cause it has never been done to me before but without saying even two words to me you made me fall in love with you. I think it has to do with you looking me in the eyes whenever you ask me something or tell me something. I see an attraction or some kind of interest in those big eyes of yours that i know I'm not making up. I couldn't make that up. My mind isn't so advanced or even smart enough to where it would allow me to make the looks you give me up in order to make myself feel however the hell it is you make me feel when you look at me. Did that make any sense at all? See what i mean. I cant get what I'm trying to say out in words that make even the littlest bit of sense. What I'm trying to say is that i know i see some sort of feelings for me in your eyes. No one looks at another person like that when they just wanna be friends. Underneath the surface whether your with her or not i know you have to like me back just a little. You cant hide what your eyes say to me everyday dude. I wonder what it is you see i her? I wonder what you think right as she walks towards you everyday in the hallway? I wonder if for some reason and i don't know how in the fuck you wouldn't be able to tell by the way i act around you if you see that your relationship to her is driving me crazy. I don't get why you are sending me mixed signals. It is one thing to flirt and fuck around cause were both bored with ourselves in class but i don't think that's all that's going on here. I saw your face when i told you how i felt. Nothing came out of your mouth but your expression said everything. I don't know what hurt more... the fact that you didn't say anything back or the reason you didn't say anything back? I understand that since Monday of that week you and her had already been a thing but didn't you find it the least bit important to inform someone you call a "friend" that you had gotten yourself a girlfriend. I'm not jealous and i mean that. Not in the least. I don't even know her so how can i hate her. However i am pissed at you though. In my book not telling somebody something to spare their feelings is the same thing as lying and i fucking hate liars. But i cant hate you. I don't even come close. You cause me so much pain every day of the fucking week just by showing up to school. Its hard to sit in a room for an hour with something you want really bad but cant have. I wonder if it would have been different if i had told you the first time i wanted to. Man i came so close. When you walked in the room i swore i was gonna pull you aside and the fucking words were dancing on my tongue and then they fell and slid back down into my throat and down some more into my stomach and i chickened out and vomited in the bathroom for like twenty minutes instead. So much for my heart felt confession. How pathetic i must have seemed as i poured out my soul to you in a torrent of words and all the while you were thinking now i have to find a way to tell this one about the other one. I wish i could bring my words back. I wish i could invade your mind for a day and see what you see and understand the way you act. I would give anything to get you to talk about it without making things get awkward for either of us. There is no way to do so. I cant figure it out. How can i be so mad at myself for spilling the beans and then be even more mad at myself for feeling like i didn't say nearly enough. Physically this is hurting me. I think about how i saw you in the hall with her and how you looked when i caught you in your moment with her and how happy you looked and how you didn't even notice me or that i was seeing. It makes my chest hurt and my eyes water. I feel this way anytime i see you just by yourself. I have to excuse myself from class to the bathroom and cry because your face hurts me. I stay up at night thinking of all that Ive said to you. All the laughing we've done. I wonder if you laugh with her that way? Maybe you do? Does she have you laughing harder then i do? I wonder if you too feel how this is affecting me? I want to cry in front of you so you can have a reason to ask me why I'm sad. I wanna scream it in your face. I want you to realize I'm in the most pain Ive been in since Taylor Morgan. Even more pain then i was in when i was with him. You don't know who that is or what he was to me but for you to just feel it for a fraction of a second would be nice even though it hurts me to wish that kind of pain on someone. It would at least get us on the same level for once. We'd think the same way for once. Please? Open your mouth. Let me know what you think? Don't be so mysterious all the fucking time. Help me out.